Etiquette for Single Guys in Porn Theaters

Yesterday I posted some guidelines for couples in porn theaters, based on some recent observations. Even if you aren't a couple, you may want to read the first few paragraphs, at least, of that post to get some context for today's entry. In an effort to help you increase your chances, as a single guy in a porn theater, I offer some basic rules for porn theater etiquette.

Respect her space, and her wishes

1. Pay attention. I really wanted to call this "get a clue", but that seemed overly harsh. If a couple gets up and walks away from a guy, they probably don't want company. If they immediately stop whatever they are doing and cover up, sit up or give up, there is a strong chance that something just happened to precipitate their sudden change in behavior. Take note. Did someone move too close? Did someone try to touch? Whatever it was, don't repeat it. Noting the couple's body language, facial expressions, and even their manner toward one another can give you some idea of what they want, and don't want.

2. Use your manners. I am constantly amazed at the number of seemingly intelligent, mature men who revert to being that kid at the Junior High mixer in the presence of a woman at the theater. They stand, awkwardly, kicking at their toes and digging their hands into their pockets, rather than making eye contact, smiling and saying hello. Imagine bringing your wife, girlfriend or a waitress you just convinced to spend 2 hours with you into a theater. Would there be anything creepier for her than to walk past a dozen men in the semi-darkness who stand, mute, staring at her as they fondle their crotches? This may be the single most important thing for you to understand: those who say hello and strike up some appropriate conversation are very often rewarded for their efforts.

Always ask before you touch.

3. Ask permission. This rule is a little tricky. I am aware that some women like the idea of coming to a theater so that nameless strangers can "take advantage of them." They like the idea of things getting out of hand, and being (for the most part) out of their control. In short, assertive and aggressive men turn them on. However, my experience tells me that those women are in the minority. My general guideline is to ask permission for anything that you would like to do. Want to step closer? Rather than stepping up like a mute zombie, why not just ask, "Do you mind?"  Want to touch? Just ask. The fact that you are willing to speak up for permission paints you as assertive (though not aggressive), a gentleman, and more communicative than 94.3% of the men in the place. That increases your chances exponentially with all but those women who are looking for the most timid wallflower in the room.

There reaches a point where verbal permission is no longer necessary, of course. Once a woman has demonstrated the fact that she likes the crowd up close, or she enjoys multiple hands on her then you can usually feel free to participate openly, but until that moment is reached, you are safer to ask. Oh, although it should be obvious, never touch a woman with your private parts unless she specifically requests it. Ever. Never ever.

4. Be thoughtful. Take a shower before you go to the theater. Wash your hands after you eat that burrito on the drive over. Brush your teeth. Pop in a mint after a cigarette. These are basic life rules that your mother probably tried to teach you. Remember, your mother was a woman, too. Her perspective on these matters should tell you something. Also, go easy with the flashlights. Yep, some women get off by showing off, and they don't mind a little extra illumination, but try not to blind her or your fellow patrons.

5. Understand the game. I was chatting with another couple this weekend who had enjoyed their first theater experience just over a year ago. The woman was laughing as she recounted that on her first trip, she did nothing. She just wanted to get a feel for the place. As she and her husband were leaving, a fellow patron said, "You didn't even show us your tits," as though he was somehow owed that pleasure. The woman said, "I wanted to tell him, this is MY fantasy, not yours." And so it is.

Remember, this is HER fantasy

Guys, when a woman comes into a theater, it may seem like she is coming into "our world", but the reality is that we have been invited into hers. We will be permitted to stay for the length of her fantasy. Some just want to sit in a taboo place for an hour. Others want to see men jerking off or people having sex in public. They are simply voyeurs. Others are exhibitionists, and just want to be seen as they expose themselves, masturbate or even play with their men. Happily, others prefer some audience participation, but even they have their limits/preferences: older women looking for younger guys, younger women looking for older men (God bless them), white women looking for black dick, nervous soccer moms looking for a lesbian encounter, some who crave circle jerks and others who are there for a gang bang. Don't be offended if you are not what they are looking for on a given night. Don't be irritated that you didn't get to have your fantasy fulfilled. (The best way to ensure that you get yours is to bring your own woman, and even that's not a sure thing.) Enjoy whatever she is there for and leave it at that. By keeping your expectations in check, you will lower your frustration level. If you see every woman that walks into the back of the theater as a potential fuck partner, you are most likely going to go home very, very disappointed.

As a final note, I should mention that porn theater sex is a game that, for the most part, requires a fair amount of patience. When you read a site like this one, it might be easy to think that every porn theater in the world is filled with horny couples and women 24 hours a day. Visions of non-stop, no holes barred orgies dance in our heads. That vision is incorrect. Even at the most couple-friendly places there are off nights. Weekdays and daytime hours are most often filled with nothing but a few bored men. Unless your local porn theater runs some sort of a notification system, be prepared to sit and look at the screen for hours. Be prepared to leave, often having not even seen a woman in the place.

But on those occasions where you do see a lady, the last thing you want to do is shoot yourself in the foot by being "that guy" who chases her right back out of the room. Or just as bad, "that guy" who had a chance if he would have just stepped up and played the game according to her rules. They aren't that hard to learn, so learn them well, be patient, and have fun!