The Couple's Guide to a Good Time in a Porn Theater

I need to vent a bit. I just spent a weekend heavily immersed in Adult Theater activity. I watched dozens of couples, scores (if not hundreds) of guys, two threesomes and three CDs drift in and out of three different theaters in two different cities over the course of three days. Every one of them comes for their own reasons, looking for their own kicks, and hoping to have a memorable experience. Many, but not all, go home happy. A good number go home unsatisfied because they shot themselves in the foot. Some, sadly, go home frustrated because of the actions of others. Let me be clear, before I am accused of whining because I was one of the frustrated: This weekend (at least) that was not the case. I was a very fortunate patron at all three establishments. I simply share my observations as a porn theater veteran, based on what I observed over the weekend, and what I have seen over the years, going solo, with a woman, and with other couples.

Here is my case in point. A couple walks into a theater. She is dressed in a skirt, heels and tight top with buttons down the front. It is not the most revealing outfit that I have seen in a theater, but neither is it jeans and a sweatshirt. As they walked in they showed a familiarity with the layout of the place. These things tell me that they have - in all likelihood - come to play. They took a seat on a corner couch and were immediately joined by a guy who dropped into the seat next to her. As soon as his butt hit the cushion, the couple stood and walked to another couch. Another admirer took a seat in the couch immediately adjacent. Again, they moved - this time to another room. I watched as 8 guys followed them down the hall into another, smaller, room. As expected, the couple immediately exited the room and made their way back up the hall to main theater, where this little game had started.  They sat in a different couch and several guys moved in their general direction for a better view. The couple eyed them warily, and the guys had the good sense to leave a little buffer. For five minutes, the couple did nothing other than watch the movie, until someone else dropped into the seat next to her. Can you guess where they went then? Out the front door and off into the night.

This was only the first of several incidents that I observed over the weekend. This was the most blatant and, I think, the most avoidable. Frankly, I have observations about both sides of this situation, and I'm going to share a few of them, in the hope of helping all of us improve our odds of leaving the theater happy and eager to return. Today's advice is for couples. In a few days I will have a few thoughts for single guys. Then, as a result of recent request, I'll give a few suggestions to the ladies.

A few thoughts for couples.

I understand this couple's frustration. Couples - ladies in particular - often need a little time to settle in, relax, get in the mood, etc. That is tough to do, especially for first-timers - when you feel like you are prey. Rather than risk some sort of confrontation, their plan was to deliver a non-verbal message to the peanut gallery every time they got up and moved. The message (for those of you weak in non-verbal skills) was: "Give us some room." Let me suggest to the couples reading this that there are better ways to deliver that message.

1. Speak up. When the first guy gets too close, simply say, "We're not looking for company, thanks." or "Give us a bit." or "Not right now." or almost anything. You don't have to be angry, or aggressive, or insulting or confrontational. Just be direct, smile and let him/them know what your limits are.  As a rule, once the guys know what you want, or don't want, they will help you by informing the newcomers and generally encouraging cooperation from the other patrons. After all, the last thing they want you to do is get frustrated and leave.

2. Get on the same page. Speaking of limits, the two of you need to determine them before you ever walk into the building. Well before. This didn't seem to be an issue with the couple in our example, but it was an issue with a few others this weekend and it is something that I have seen over the years both in porn theaters and in swinger's parties. Normally, it's the guy pushing the lady to push the envelope. And normally, it's the lady storming out with her man chasing her, or just shutting down completely. However, that's not always the case. I watched a woman this weekend taking several guys as her hubby did a slow boil.

3. Be aware. You are walking into an atmosphere that is sexually charged. If a theater is known for couples activity and audience participation, the guys in the room are going to be prowling about, hoping for the chance to have their fantasies fulfilled. This means, of course, that their little heads are doing most of the work. Don't expect a great deal of reason and insight from most of them (us). If it is going to bother you that someone moves to the row in front of you, hoping to get a peek up her skirt, then perhaps you have chosen the wrong entertainment for the evening. If you just want to dip you toes into the water, think about going during the day sometime, when less is "expected" by the other patrons.

4. Dress appropriately. Again, this was not particularly an issue with this couple, but the way the lady dresses sends an immediate signal to the guys. If the two of you have been to dinner in a nice restaurant or out at the club dancing and she is wearing a skin-tight dress showing a lot of cleavage and even more leg, the boys are gonna look at her in a certain way. The aforementioned jeans and sweatshirt send a different signal. Now I have seen jeans and sweatshirts piled up on the floor while the lady takes on the room, and I have seen girls in micro-miniskirts and see-through, braless tanktops not even hold hands with their dates, so we recognize that wardrobe is not always an indicator of intent, but it does send a signal.

5. Use louder non-verbal communication.  Hoping to avoid the need to exercise suggestion number one? Then find the place in the room where it is impossible for a guy to sit next to your lady. There is always a couch in a corner, or a seat on the end of the aisle next to the wall. Put her there. Or drop a coat/purse/armadillo into the seat next to her. That not only keeps someone else from sitting there, but allows her to simply remove said object later in the evening when she would like some company.


These guidelines are not exhaustive. There are a dozen other tips, ideas and suggestions that could be offered up. My only hope is that these few ideas will help you, as a couple, have the best time possible in the theater.

One last thought, and this is particularly for the ladies. YOU are in charge in the porn theater. Things will only go as far as you choose. No one can, or will, force you to do anything. There are no expectations that you have to fulfill, other than your own. So find your comfort level and have fun. If someone is stupid enough to cross your line (after you have told everyone where it is) the rest of the guys in the room will quickly help you by reminding him how to be a gentleman.

Nothing is better - in my humble opinion - than a lady in a porn theater. I speak both as a guy who has brought women himself, and has enjoyed the presence of other ladies. Trust me when I tell you that your presence in the theater will be both appreciated and respected. Use a little common sense, let this suggestions guide you, and go have fun!